Where to Begin

I'm extremely fortunate to have had a long period of relative stability during the last few years of my life.

Yes, there were changes. Yes, there were highs and lows. Yes, there were successes, failures, annoying moments, happy moments, struggles, triumphs, and the rest of what life has in store.
The thing is, I felt way above water through it all.
I could clearly see the lighthouse up ahead through it all.
Mid 2015 to the end of 2018 were peace.
Such peace.


My last blog left off with the passing of my beloved grandmother.
I didn't know how much that passing would affect me & I most definitely did not realize that many equally impactful - or even more impactful - occurrences were on the horizon.


Two of the people who most clearly exemplify how inspiring, resilient, and passionate a woman can be, two of the people that are everything that is beautiful and fierce in this world have dropped a word into my ears that has felt like lead, like poison, like some overly weighty substance floating around in my being that I just can't remove.

What do I do with it?

What have I done with other challenges?

Normally, I love a good challenge. I'm drawn to adversity. I love how utterly alive I feel when I have something in my heart and in my mind worth fighting for or even worth fighting against.

But this. This isn't my fight. Cancer doesn't know my name, nor does it care to learn it.



This is me learning to be utterly helpless.




What do I do with it? How do I chew up, digest, and subdue this lead, this poison, this powerful negative and turn it into something of Light, Growth and Purification?



This is me growing in prayer.
This is me growing in faith.
This is me knowing that I have no control.

I can't see the lighthouse up ahead right now, but I do have the glow of a Lamp at My Feet.
I don't know how it ends and I don't know the destination. 
All I know is how to be faithful in this step, the next step, and the next.



God in His mercy has seen fit to create good from this.
My perspective will never be the same.



Because of you I cherish each day more than ever before.
Because of you the blessings in my life are now so obvious.
Because of you I now know the vastness and immediacy of my need for God.

For years you have poured into me.
Know that you have opened the floodgates more than you ever could have imagined.