A Year in the Rearview Mirror

A year ago things looked pretty good in my life.
A sweet husband, two healthy babies, a good career, pool parties with friends...

But a year ago, I also felt the tensions, the unrest, and the division in this world growing - not just permeating the fringes of the world around me- but also penetrating my safe sweet little bubble of a life. Although tension, unrest, and division were nothing new, it certainly felt like things were escalating and coming to a head. It felt like things were going from bad to worse. I found myself walking away from potential altercations in such mundane places as department stores and it felt like something needed to be done.

I was looking for solutions. I was looking for direction. I was looking for something to channel my energy, my passion, and my heart for humanity into.

Something happened.

I, along with 92,000 people who shared the Facebook post, 18,000 people who commented on the post, and 110,000 people who reacted to the post heard a message that the world needed to hear from a man named Collin Packer.
Before this post, Collin and the church where he is the lead minister didn't exist to me. Despite the fact that Greenville Oaks, where Collin preaches, was exactly three miles from my doorstep, and despite the fact that I had driven by the church 100 times, I knew nothing of it.

I came across Collin's post about Botham Jean, about speaking out for justice, and about standing in solidarity with our fellow man, only because a handful of the 92,000 people who shared his post were in my attorney moms group.

I was interested.

I've had comings and goings with the church in the past. I've had comings and goings with Christians in the past. I've had disappointment, heartache, and brokenness with religion in the past. Many times throughout my life, including the time period from 2017 until September 2018, I didn't have hope that I would return to a church.

I've tried to be part of a church on several occasions throughout the years. My many attempts felt incongruent. I felt like a spectator watching a movie that didn't have a role for me. I felt like the force and direction of my life didn't align with the direction of the body I was trying to fit into. I felt like what I stood for, believed in, and knew of God wasn't what I found when I walked through the church doors...but then there was this little Facebook post.

When I read that Facebook post, I didn't realize the door I was opening. Yes, it was the start of once again attending church on Sunday, and yes it was the start of bible study, prayer, community service, etc. on a level I'd never engaged in before, but it was also so much more.

The church doors were no longer an entry point into a world I didn't belong to.
I finally found a church that didn't distinguish between the identity of believers inside the church and the identity of the believers outside the church.  I finally found a church that saw the real world, not as something that church equips us for, but as what the church actively participates in at all times. The church exists in, among, as part of, and for the benefit of the real world.

Those close to me know that my life doesn't look like it did a year ago. Those close to me know that I don't live like I did a year ago.

I'll admit to a moment of panic- there was a moment of sheer terror before I decided to let go of what I knew and of what was familiar to dive into the unknown. And I'll admit to wanting to hold on to my stable life with my sweet family, nice job, and predictability. I'll admit wanting to let someone else stand up and lead the charge for justice, for solidarity, and for understanding.

Despite the fears, despite the sacrifice, despite the challenges, I knew this was a call that couldn't go unanswered. I knew that I had to do something.

It's been almost one year to the day since Botham Jean's death, but the message that resonated with 100,000 people following his passing hasn't faded in my mind.


I'm grateful for the pastor's words that sowed the seeds. I'm grateful for the church that has helped me flourish. And I'm grateful that the person I share life with day in and day out reminded me that this life was never my own; it exists for God's great purposes. I hope my efforts are worthy of the calling.

I Don't Consider You An American Because You Don't Look Like Me

When you're told that you "originally came from countries whose governments are a complete and total catastrophe" so you should "go back and help fix the totally broken and crime infested places from which [you] came", there's a very direct and clear message.  In addition to the very direct and clear message, you're also saying so much more.

What the recipient may hear:

• You and I are different.
• You and I have different value.
• You come from a bad place.
• You come from a bad place so you must be a bad person.
• Its your fault that the place you come from is bad.
• You belong in a bad place.
• You don't belong here.
• You/your people cause problems.
• You/your people don't solve problems.
• You/your people aren't the solution to America's problems. 
• America's problems can only be solved by Americans.
• I don't consider you an American because you don't look like me/you aren't like me.

Divisiveness.



Constructive statements:

• Diversity among us means we bring more perspectives to the table.
• Diversity among us means the table is accessible to those from diverse backgrounds. 
• People of diverse backgrounds have an opportunity to come to the table to solve problems.
• We live in a nation of opportunity, regardless of our diverse backgrounds.
• We live in a nation where we find solutions to problems.
• Our problems are shared problems.
• Solutions to our problems can be achieved by working together. 
• We are all Americans regardless of our/our ancestor's place of birth/origin.

Harmony.


We need to realize that we're in this together to make substantive progress.
We need to acknowledge that we're all parts of a whole in order to take full advantage of what each constituent part adds to the whole.
We need to acknowledge when we, or others of our party, or others who are friends or family, or when any other American is creating divisiveness instead of harmony.
It cannot be ignored and go unchecked.

The ultimate goal shouldn't be one of tailored communication.
The ultimate goal should be one of changed perspective.
Inclusiveness. Collaboration. Understanding. Cooperation. Unity.

We have innate worth.
We are worthy of each others' consideration and respect.
Let's hold each other accountable and meet this standard.

Where to Begin

I'm extremely fortunate to have had a long period of relative stability during the last few years of my life.

Yes, there were changes. Yes, there were highs and lows. Yes, there were successes, failures, annoying moments, happy moments, struggles, triumphs, and the rest of what life has in store.
The thing is, I felt way above water through it all.
I could clearly see the lighthouse up ahead through it all.
Mid 2015 to the end of 2018 were peace.
Such peace.


My last blog left off with the passing of my beloved grandmother.
I didn't know how much that passing would affect me & I most definitely did not realize that many equally impactful - or even more impactful - occurrences were on the horizon.


Two of the people who most clearly exemplify how inspiring, resilient, and passionate a woman can be, two of the people that are everything that is beautiful and fierce in this world have dropped a word into my ears that has felt like lead, like poison, like some overly weighty substance floating around in my being that I just can't remove.

What do I do with it?

What have I done with other challenges?

Normally, I love a good challenge. I'm drawn to adversity. I love how utterly alive I feel when I have something in my heart and in my mind worth fighting for or even worth fighting against.

But this. This isn't my fight. Cancer doesn't know my name, nor does it care to learn it.



This is me learning to be utterly helpless.




What do I do with it? How do I chew up, digest, and subdue this lead, this poison, this powerful negative and turn it into something of Light, Growth and Purification?



This is me growing in prayer.
This is me growing in faith.
This is me knowing that I have no control.

I can't see the lighthouse up ahead right now, but I do have the glow of a Lamp at My Feet.
I don't know how it ends and I don't know the destination. 
All I know is how to be faithful in this step, the next step, and the next.



God in His mercy has seen fit to create good from this.
My perspective will never be the same.



Because of you I cherish each day more than ever before.
Because of you the blessings in my life are now so obvious.
Because of you I now know the vastness and immediacy of my need for God.

For years you have poured into me.
Know that you have opened the floodgates more than you ever could have imagined.